This is a term having at its root, the idea of  “set apart” …… “dedicated” …… or “like no other”.

So, our marriages are to be like no other relationship.  They should be in a category unlike any other in our lives.  Sounds pretty special, right?     But there is a pitfall in going too far with even the holiest of ideas.  Let me show you what I mean.

There is a pitfall in going too far…even with

the holiest of ideas…

Marriage is sacred.  It is holy.  It is like no other.  To build a good marriage, however, you must interweave things, ideas and activities which are part of other segments of  your life.  Marriages don’t exist in a vacuum.  They exist in a context.  Therefore, to have a good marriage, a holy marriage you must skillfully integrate your marriage into the rest of life. You cannot compartmentalize your marriage as though it exists as something running under a different set of rules.

To make marriage work, it must exist as separate/holy yet somehow be integrated with the systems, values and behaviors which bring the rest of your world into order.

All too frequently I have heard couples lament in marriage counseling sessions  that they feel  their spouse doesn’t treat them as well as others in their life.  A wife will say, “you listen so patiently with your co-workers and you never talk condescendingly to them”.  “Yet with me, you are so critical and defensive, I can hardly talk to you.” And a husband will similarly complain,  “You put up with imperfections in others and yet you put the hammer down on me anytime I mess up or disappoint you in any way.”

Sound familiar?  Truth is, many of us as couples hold one another to a far more rigid set of expectations than anyone else in our life.  And we seem to think that the patience, kindness and self-control we exercise in other compartments of our life are somehow not necessary in the marriage context.

Truth is, many of us as couples hold one another to a far more rigid set of expectations than anyone else in our life.

So here’s what I suggest.  Set a time with your spouse with the understanding that you will review the standards you use in all other areas of your life as your core principles.  The golden rule…. “doing unto others as you would have them to do to you”.  The fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5….. “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control”. Look into the scriptures for other passages illustrating the basis of what makes for harmonious, healthy relationships.

Then review them with one another.  Ask your partner how you can better express these attitudes and actions toward them.  Pray with one another.  Forgive one another.  Celebrate the holy.   Love your mate with a sacred love.  In other words, change your behavior for the better.

It’s a holy thing.

Holy Father,

Help us to accept that marriage is about overcoming….and hanging in there…..even when the going gets tough.  Help us to know that we are not completely adequate to the task of being a loving partner to our spouse.  We need your strength.  Shape us, sculpt us into Your likeness.  Make us  people of grace and forgiveness.  Help us to forgive as we have been forgiven.  Grant us the strength of accepting your call to be a giver and not a taker.  Give us a servant heart, even when it comes to our partner……..especially when it comes to our partner.  Help us to see that you are at the center of our story together as a couple.  When something intervenes into our life which seems challenging and stressful, help us to see this as an opportunity for you to become more real to us.

Give us hearts to feel and not just a head to think about what our spouse means to us.  Purify our hearts of sinful selfish thoughts.  Teach us your ways that we may walk in them.  Help us to see that in each day there is an opportunity for a new chapter, a new way to celebrate the love with which you have blessed us.

Help us that in our love for one another, the world may be blessed….that our friends and family might see YOU at the heart of US.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

“The real truth is, you were trying to save her from pain.  The real reason is that you were afraid of having to deal with the emotions you might encounter, both from her and in yourself.  Emotions scare you, Mack.  You lied to protect yourself, not her!”

And furthermore, she continued, “such a lie is unloving.  In the name of caring about her, your lie became an inhibitor in your relationship with her, and in her relationship with me.”

William Paul Young, The Shack, p. 188

“We must never put our dreams of success as God’s purpose for us.  The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident.  What we call the process, God calls the end.  His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now.  It is the process , not the end, which is glorifying to God.”

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

In my experience, it is much easier to act like a Christian than it is to react like one.  Most of us are good actors—we can play the part.  But our reactions reveal who we really are.  And maybe that is why Jesus focused so much of His teaching on reconditioning reflexes.

Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase p. 100

Pray for those who persecute you.

Love your enemies.

Bless those who curse you.

If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

If someone strikes you o the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

If you feel like you’re stuck in a tragedy, here’s my advice:  give Jesus complete editorial control over your life.  You have to quit trying to write your own story.  And you need to accept Jesus not only as Lord and Savior but also as Author.  If you allow Him to begin writing His-story through your life, it’ll give the tragedy a fairy-tale ending.

Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase, p. 125

I don’t have a clue about what God will be authoring on tomorrow’s page, but of the end I’m sure.  So it is my choice to claim tragedy or comedy for today.

Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase, p. 124

George Bernard Shaw said,  “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don’t believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can’t find them, make them.”

Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase, p. 141

The Bible has a great deal to say about our heart.  Jesus longs for us to love God more than anything else.  Intellectual agreement with Christian principles is not what pleases God.  He desires our heart—our whole heart.  We will never be able to act right when our spouse acts wrong if our heart is not centered in God and what he wants.  Many of us may try to act more loving or more forgiving, but we need to remember that our responses to life come out of our heart.

Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, p. 135

Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.

C. S. Lewis

Acceptance is one of the most difficult concepts with which people struggle in a marriage.  In order to love, we must learn how to accept one another’s differences and imperfections.  Mature love involves a full knowledge of another person, including his or her weak areas.  Our challenge becomes learning to love and to accept the person we have married, not the person we though he or she was or some idealized version of the person.  I’ve heard people say over and over again in counseling, “You’re not the person I married!”  One husband replied to such a remark, “Oh yes I am.  But the person you dated—he was a fake.”

Leslie Vernick, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, p. 161

We might not like conflict and we sometimes will go to great lengths to avoid it.  There are however, some positive things going on in healthy conflict situations.

1.  Healthy Conflict means people are thinking. Parents raise their children to think for themselves and then get frustrated when they do.  Encourage them to think and to verbalize their thoughts and feelings.  Encourage them to do this in appropriate ways.  ( ie.  no name calling, screaming, throwing things, physical violence etc.)

2. Healthy Conflict Opens Up Communication. Successful communication does not mean both people agree.  It is not just speaking one’s mind or getting it off one’s chest.  It means that each person is seeking to get the other’s meaning.  It is an exchange of ideas.  It sometimes will even further emphasize the points of disagreements and will uncover additional issues which need to be discussed.  This entire process should be seen as helpful in clarifying and building understanding.

3.  Healthy Conflict emphasizes the strength and integrity of the relationship. If people can talk over their differences and still remain friends and maintain respect for each other, the relationship will be seen to be resilient, stable and enduring.  This contributes to the overall confidence in the relationship for continued growth.

4. Healthy Conflict allows a context for forgiveness, understanding and respect. At some point in the conflict, each person will realize the power to be found in allowing the other person’s viewpoint to be considered alongside their own.  This will introduce the possibility of compromise or in some instances submission to the other’s viewpoint.

5.  A Healthly Conflict Experience establishs a pattern which will become a model for future resolutions. Each time a resolution is reached, it builds confidence in the relationship to function at even deeper levels.

ever growing,

ever deepening

and ever learning.

An old friend once quipped:  “Marriage is what you make it”.  While there is nothing profound in this statement, it is amazingly succinct and undeniably true.  Good marriages don’t just emerge by chance.  Marriages which transcend the ordinary are those resulting from planning, purpose and prayer.

This blog page features material and resources intended to produce “Maximized Marriages”.  Couples who want a marriage that is ever growing, ever deepening and ever learning, will find inspiration and practical helps.

“Marriage is what you make it”.  Why not make it a”Maximized Marriage”?